I didn’t know what PTSD really was. I, like many others, only believed that people who had served in the military could have PTSD.
I have known throughout my whole life that there was something wrong with me. My brain just does not process things the way other people’s brains do.
I have always had constant fear for my life, fear of love, fear of letting people win, my fear of wanting or having or going after success, and fear of certain noises and/or voices.
I NEVER drop my guard. I am always prepared to defend when it comes to personal safety for myself, family and close friends. I am always on edge and always aware of situational awareness. I have never understood where that came from. Possibly hearing and seeing certain scenes in movies or having trust issues from my past and just not being able to relax around regular people. I seemed to be perpetually frustrated.
I have sweats, nightmares, and shaking from abuse in the past whether it was from being in foster homes or from all that I endured with my mother, Valerie.
There are so many of my own behaviors that I didn’t realize or made me even think that I could have PTSD until a friend of mine, who noticed me struggling, said “ It’s a possibility you may have post traumatic stress disorder”.
My friend Corinna brought to my attention the possibility that I may have PTSD. It was not until she brought it up that I paused and then set out to ask questions, find answers and seek help.
I did go to a counselor a couple years ago, just before the covid pandemic, and the counselor said she had never met anyone like me. I can remember her calling me about a week after we had our first session. She stated she went to a couple of her colleagues and spoke with them about my case. She sought advice from colleagues since she had never heard of abuse causing PTSD. She found out it is called complex post-traumatic stress disorder. c-PTSD is a condition where you experience symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms like difficulty controlling your emotions, feeling angry or distrustful to the world.
The counselor said that my c-PTSD was so severe that she would not be able to help me and I needed to seek out a different type of counseling from what she did that specialized in what I needed. If I had not started searching for answers I never would have known that.
I went to my primary doctor, that I was assigned to at Kaiser Permanente, and they helped me get connected with the right counselor. I have learned so much with his help. I know I will be working on my condition for the rest of my life but just having access to someone that can help me seek out correct information while sorting out my thoughts, emotions and situations has made a significant positive difference in my daily life. I find myself having hope to live again. I was struggling so much by repeating the same relationship patterns in all areas of my life that, at times, I had wondered if I really needed to be around anymore.
It is so refreshing to now have some tools in my tool box to help me maneuver through each day. Not to say I do not relapse back to the previous behavior at times. I had developed c-PTSD behavior patterns for over 50 years and it does flare up but I am hopeful about my future. Just writing these few paragraphs has brought a grown man, me, to tears as I continue to realize how awful my childhood was and how it has shaped me as an adult.
I am getting help all due to a friend who made an observation and had the courage to bring up the topic.
Whether your situation is simple, occasional, severe or maybe something altogether different like anxiety, give yourself permission to set out and seek some help. It may be a lifelong work in progress but your quality of life could drastically improve. It did for me!
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