THE FEELING OF SOUND 

For those who may know some or all my story I have stated that I think my Dad’s PTSD gave me PTSD! 
Occasionally we step out of or to the side of our daily rhythm and we can reflect on what has happened or is happening in our lives. 

After the unexpected horrendous loss of my brother and then 30 days later my father several years ago I have, on occasion, reflected on my life thus far. 

I always thought that we were the most normal family.  A mom and dad, two kids, military family in middle class neighborhoods near where my dad was stationed. 

My brother and I were spoiled and got most things we wanted.  Both my parents worked so we were on our own after school.  My mom would come home after work and we asked her “when and what is for dinner?”  We were just being kids and only concerned about what we wanted in that moment. We never thought to help around the house unless we were threatened to have something taken away.  

I thought our home was probably typical of most households raising kids in the 70’s and early 80’s. 
I now realize that I am a product of living in a household and being raised by someone who had PTSD.  
There are behaviors or quirks to my personality that I now recognize developed as a result of my Dad’s PTSD. 
I have this aversion to sudden or loud noises to the point of my friends and family telling me to relax.  I am always asking my grandkids to use there inside voice.  When all the kids are playing, laughing, screaming and having a lot of fun it makes me anxious. I would stand up and head towards the kids or ask “what is wrong with them” as if someone was hurt.  My daughter will tell me “Relax mom they are just playing”. 

When conversation, music or social settings get too noisy I find myself turning down the music or asking people to keep it down a little.   

There really is no reason or need for someone to adjust their noise level.  I have just realized that I have become conditioned to keep quiet because it was what my dad needed on a regular basis for his normal behavior to not trigger into an angry, irritated or reactionary display of energy.  If we weren’t quiet or demonstrated playful energy that bothered my dad, we would end up in trouble.  

That anxious feeling of getting in trouble has carried over into my adult life. The behavioral conditioning, I learned growing up with my dad’s PTSD, I am realizing, has created a subtly odd adult behavior pattern of my own. 
The feel of sound being too loud for me triggers the need to quiet a person or situation so to calm the anxiousness I feel for getting in trouble when it is too loud. 

Now that I am conscious of my sensitivity to noise, I try to take a deep breath and ask myself “Is the noise or situation really too loud or is it just bothering me?”.   

PTSD was not even heard of or recognized as a condition when I was growing up.  I think people just thought “There is another crazy Veteran”.   

We are all fortunate that there are now resources regarding PTSD whether you work in the field of PTSD, have PTSD for any number of reasons, live with someone with PTSD or know someone with PTSD.  I have been inspired to connect people to those resources through my website www.dealwithptsd.com.  

It is my desire to help others find understanding for themselves or someone they care for who, is living with PTSD, whether extreme or very acute aspects of it.   

Hugs, Corinna K